Gone beyond boredom: The other side of addiction

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The emptiness I have felt, I would never wish upon anyone. There is no way I can fully describe it to someone who has not experienced it. It’s like a part of me has left my body. The feeling of loneliness, although I’m surrounded by people, overwhelms me to the extent I feel loneliness in its raw sense, literally. It never seems to go away. The feeling of total uselessness, coupled with the utter meaninglessness of the world seizes me.

These are feelings I have to fight or surrender to, on a daily basis. Every time I stop after using for a period of time (days, weeks, or months), I get overwhelmed. Sometimes, it’s really hard to go through it; though over time, the feeling lessens. If I isolate myself during this period, – the most tempting thing to do – the emptiness doubles it’s grip on me. I try not to isolate, but sometimes that’s what I end up doing, making matters worse.

After experiencing this through out my journey it has become a part of my life now. I no longer sit and worry about it. If I hear a friend say he is bored, I chuckle to myself. I have gone beyond boredom. I mean, I still get bored sometimes, but that’s like heaven compared to the raw feelings I have gone through.

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28 thoughts on “Gone beyond boredom: The other side of addiction

  1. Stay strong my friend. As a recovering alcoholic, I know all to well how you are feeling. For me, it was important to connect with others in recovery. In some ways, it helped me to stave off boredom, and stay sober. I hope that you have a good support system. It means all the difference. Please reach out to me if you need any help.

    • Thank you. As the saying goes curiosity kills the cat, I had to experience it for myself, in the end, I ended up where I never expected I would; but, there is hope for people like us. The world is a beautiful place, as long as we let it be. 🙂

  2. I can relate to that bottomless pit of loneliness. I’ve heard it described as having a God size whole in my soul. I used to fill it with alcohol & drugs. It worked for awhile but as you know, that was only temporary. The good news; it can get better, but it takes time and effort and help from the people who have figured it out 😉 Thanks for your honesty.

  3. I will echo what most of the bloggers have been saying. Thank you for being transparent in sharing your experiences with your addiction. It’s encouraging……I am looking forward to reading more of what you have to share and thank you for following my blog…

    Rolain

  4. I think what you’re describing is a big reason why I always avoided drugs. I was afraid they’d own me. I couldn’t stand that. I had a woman in a writing class years ago who used to write about how she lived on drugs as she tried to get enough to keep herself sane. I wonder how she is.

  5. We don’t use today for any reason, or we find every reason to use! I had to stay clean for a period of time realize I can get through any feeling clean, and that NO feeling owns me for very long. I also learned quickly that I can ADD to any feeling the tools of recovery, and that makes it easier to get through clean for today. I can always re-evaluate tomorrow, I can always use tomorrow, but I can not always stop using tomorrow. What tools? Relationship with HP, reading learning working living the 12 steps, sharing how I feel with another person I trust, writing, helping another stay clean, service, fellowship, etc. One thing I am sure of is that feelings, good or bad, never last.

    • Agreed totally! Nothing lasts forever ey? I’ve applied some of the tools you mentioned and some of it works and some doesn’t work for me, but I’ll stick with the ones that work. If I think I can use tomorrow, I’ll end up doing that; but I totally get your analogy.

      Thank you so much for dropping by and hope your health gets better–wish you a speedy recovery 🙂

  6. Thanks for your courage to break free and share your journey. I can relate to the feelings of emptiness and overwhelm. As an ACOA, I share some of the pain and challenges, though luckily have not been addicted to any substances. Life is still a journey with challenges and joys.. It eases as I’ve learned to feed our inner beauty, ask for help and connect with others. blessings, Brad

  7. Pingback: Gone beyond boredom: The other side of addiction | Crystalkillz's Blog

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