I was on a relapsing roll-out after nearly two years abstinent. The relapsing part was bad but the abstinent part was not so good either; although, I made meaningful and profound decisions in my life during the abstinent days. The question I ask myself is where I went wrong? Is being abstinent from all types of mood-altering substances not enough?
Getting abstinent was no piece of cake either. I struggled with on and off drugs for a long period. I did time in rehab for a countless number of times too. Not to mention, the NA meetings, and recovery literature I went through. The problem was not too much of not knowing but of not applying. I simply failed to apply the principles and tools I learned in rehab and from NA meetings. I even went through living in a sort-of-a-half-way house abroad for a long period of time too; it didn’t help me either.
After a long time struggling, I just quit for good; I simply stopped. There were a lot of things which happened in between which I’ll share in another story, hopefully. Quitting just happened out of the blue. I simply left all the recovery jargon and addiction associations from my life. I isolated myself and my life too. I was in it for nearly two years, which is not a long time in terms of clean time. During those days I had very low moments and very notable high moments of my life too.
Unfortunately, the abstinent years didn’t last long. My past came roaring towards me, the more I moved away from it. I didn’t intend to use, but it somehow happened; apparently, I intentionally did it! I don’t blame the people around me or my surroundings for the relapse that was inevitable. Frankly, I was not happy inside during the abstinent times. Basically, I was not in recovery. I have tasted recovery, but during those days it tasted nothing like recovery.